Shalom שלום
You have found the garden where I share my essays, poems, thoughts and sometimes music. A garden is a place where things grow, die, blossom, hide, surprise, struggle, comfort, and are reborn. A garden is a place for renewal and resourcing. I hope you find visiting Chaya’s Garden a healing place for you.
I will share my joy and my heartbreak. I will get personal. I will share what my creative unconscious asks of me. Please join me on this journey.
I will share with you what is on my heart, my anger, what moves me, and the questions that are very much alive within and often spill gently and not so gently out.
I will offer healing thoughts and prayers. I hope to hear yours.
What a surprise! I was studying Torah and looked at past writings from colleagues on a specific Torah portion I was thinking about. This one was from 2016 by my friend Rabbi Lori Klein. Torah is timeless, so looking at commentaries from any age can be enlightening. I was surprised to see my own experience […]
I heard the call from the bima (the stage of the synagogue) during the Torah service, for those who had come through a life altering/threatening time recently. Those who hear the call and want to respond, come before the community with our shaken and relieved hearts to say a prayer and mark the moment. (We […]
At a time when so much is unpredictable and completely distressing, I find myself reflecting on what is important. Part I Sacred Attunement In Jewish tradition 70 years is considered a “natural lifespan”, the “fullness of years”. (Pirkei Avot 5:20, Psalms 90). At 83, some have another b’mitzvah, having lived 13 years past 70. As […]
Dolores is an amazing artist. Her paintings are on our walls throughout our home, filled with images of color and shapes with hints of movement, emotion and breath. She gave them to us before she moved from New York to Florida, following the death of her beloved partner of 42 years, Bernice. When we arrived […]
During these shocking and precarious times, I appreciate the ritual of blowing shofar so much. Whether it is for Rosh Hashanah, or to sound it as an alarm, or to gather us together in celebration of a rabbinic ordination, it heralds to an ancient sound evoking the Sacred. I start to blow shofar a month […]
Recently, someone held up a mirror to me and I saw something which didn’t really surprise me, but required action. In the mirror I saw my life’s work gently accompanying others as they reflect on, notice, and attempt to deepen their relationship with the Sacred. Torah, song, ancestral wisdom, art, writing, devotional listening, dance, and […]
There was a simple rabbi who was known for being genuine and wise. Not just genuine. And not just wise. She understood the sacred task of Being With, of Showing Up. She wasn’t perfect and definitely made mistakes. Many people sought her out to share their sadness, their yearnings, their confusion, their chaos. Some sought […]
Dear Ilene, I am so moved by you reaching out. I know you have changed your name to Chaya, and that is so beautiful. It fits you well. But you will always be Ilene to your mother. That was the name she gave you when you arrived in the family, third child, unplanned, but welcomed. […]
Dear Irma:I hope you don’t mind we have given you a name, Irma. It helps me remember how you came to us 15 years ago by giving you my mother’s name. You lived with my mother for a long time. She loved you so much. When she had to move out of her home as […]
I write about grief because it’s normal. I write about grief so you know it’s ok to talk about, not just ok, but healing, even yummy at times. (really? Yummy? Sometimes, yes) I write about grief because it’s just like eating or sleeping, laughing or dreaming. It’s a regular feeling, visitor, companion, guide, even mentor. […]
I was welcomed into a home of four. Together we made five. Five chairs at the dinner table. Five seats in the 60’s station wagon, no seat belts. Five fingers on each hand, five toes on each foot. And then there was four chairs. Always an empty chair. And then we were three chairs, always […]
God who keeps faith with those who sleep in the dust… May human and Divine intervention come swiftly to protect the lives of elders and children, mothers and brothers, fathers and cousins… May the protective wings of the shechina unfurl to protect all of Rafah, where millions of Gazans have come to seek shelter. May […]
Friends, Most of you know that grief and mourning, especially in our wise Jewish traditional ways, has been one of my portals to the Sacred and to Healing. As my friend R. Shifrah Tobacman says, “grief attended to is lifegiving”. I am honored to be part of a series of classes offered online and in […]
Delicious food, conversation, gentle and strong rain, creativity, and promise. Torah, wisdom, guidance, prayer, and curiosity. A sweet phone call from across the world. Shabbat. Music. Tenderness. Rejoicing. And with every day the touch of grief arrives from where it was hiding, or bursts forth with surprise. The suffering of so many are ever present. […]
I recently listened to an episode of the California Report that shared news about a Jewish bakery that closed in the Los Angeles Fairfax district after more than 77 years. I was so surprised to find myself sobbing. Over the closing of a bakery? Yes, I loved their baked goods, especially the “racetrack” which was […]
Things are changing every day in this historic moment. Lots of feelings, thoughts, actions. I have noticed one thing has stayed pretty similar throughout since October 7. In my American Jewish and ally world I have an avoidance of talking about what I believe or am thinking about until I know exactly where the other […]
I am making art, listening to panels about Palestine/Israel, reading articles, but don’t have much to say yet. Please stay in touch. Again, I am posting a few offerings that have inspired: 1. https://www.allmep.org/about-us-allmep/ ALLMEP is a coalition of over 170 organizations—and tens of thousands of Palestinians and Israelis—building people-to-people cooperation, coexistence, equality, shared society, […]
This moment in history invites a desire to add to the many statements and resolutions addressing the war. I want to add to some of the brilliant writing. My soul wants to say the perfect thing: to comfort, inspire, calm, fix, but mostly, to save lives. Yet, none of my words can fulfill that job. […]
The events since Simchat Torah reminded me of the crisis in Texas, when Rabbi Charlie and a few of his congregants were held hostage in their synagogue in January, 2022. I was of course thrilled that the hostages were not killed, but horrified to hear in the press “no one was killed.” The truth […]
I had never been to this synagogue. My friend was the new rabbi and I wanted to attend. It was supposed to be over 95 degrees and I didn’t know if they had AC. I hadn’t slept much the night before due to my mind which wouldn’t turn off. What if I fell asleep during […]
She was celebrating in a room filled with hope, pride, Shabbes, and connection. Flowers, hearts, and song dancing with the smells of delicious food, Torah, laughter, and tears. There was truth shared over bagels, about pain, dreams, visions, how to cope with disappointment, regret. And joys spilled forth over lox and capers. Whispers of family. […]
Friends, I have been so excited working with Or Shalom Jewish Community in San Francisco as interim rabbi that I haven’t posted much. But I wanted to let you know that I am teaching a 3-session class on line on how to enter Jewish prayer through writing. I hope you can join me and those […]
This drash was given in November, 2021, on zoom at my cousin Ann Brown’s synagogue Beit Haverim, located outside of Portland. She serves as their beloved Cantorial Soloist. Who are we? and whose voices do we carry in our bodies, in our spirits, and in our actions, whether consciously or not? Before we delve into […]
This was a first. When I lead services or speak publicly, I have been known to tear up, have my voice crack, take a minute, and authentically show up to the moment, to the place. At this Friday night Shabbat service it was very different. We were exploring the Torah where Jacob experienced a […]
During the Jewish High Holy days we pray to be inscribed in the Book of Life before the gates close, either at the end of Yom Kippur or some believe not until the end of Sukkot on Hoshana Rabba. If taken literally, there is something that doesn’t seem right about this. Does it mean anyone […]
Reb Zalman Schachter Shalomi, of blessed memory, used to ask us rabbinical students and rabbis how we were being deployed. The underlying concept was that there was a someone deploying us to a somewhere. Our job was to listen to that still small voice and not ignore it. Was it Congregational work? Spiritual direction? Jewish […]
I have just been deployed to serve a new congregation, Or Shalom Jewish Community. I will be their half-time Interim Rabbi for about 10 months while they search for their “settled” rabbi. I wasn’t looking for this service, but I followed the bread crumbs. From job description, to interview, to a second interview, to a […]
Rosh Hashanah has always been a time of deep reflection for me. I often struggle with some of the tough issues of the year until they surprise me as they become food for nourishment. This year for Rosh Hashanah I am exploring (or facing) the YOU (ata, at) we find in our Jewish prayers. (“Blessed […]
No matter how many people I have accompanied or witnessed or just heard about who have died, I am always surprised at the great impact hearing of their death has on Life itself. The bucket, or pot, or cloud, or breath of grief we carry from past losses, from fear of future losses, from losses […]
When there is a surprise of a combination of colors speaking from the soul, it is like finding the right niggun, melody, for the occasion. A melody having traveled through many generations, it guides us towards release, calm, or tears. Sometimes a yearning. The colors come together often reminding me of the eulogy that came […]
I saw a gorgeous man at the café. He might have been 23. I forgot I was 66 years old. I also forgot I was a lesbian. Oh, and that I was married. I forgot when I run, my back can hurt for days, and sometimes my hips give in. In my heart, I […]
It is chilly, the air smells delicious, Sitting on the hard, wooden chair in front of the cold, wood stove. The smell of yesterdays’ fire is a remembrance of the poem it was. Weaving strips of newspaper, some are crumpled into balls, I add kindling, designing a piece of art no one else will see. […]
We can’t always be brave, but we can get out of bed in the morning, even when the demons of the night have held us captive in clammy moments of terror. When sleep is a foreign concept. We can find reasons to live when our mind screams otherwise. Yes, this is brave. We can sit […]
There is no reason to feel lonely. The room is crowded with those that have shaped, guided, and offered me gifts, whether they were invited to or not. Born into a Jewish family I was literally shaped with the thighs of my people. Ashkenazi Jewish thighs. Yiddish, secular, Reform Hebrew School, and stockings the morning […]
There are words and sentences and paragraphs and stories to describe you. There are phrases and poems to illuminate the love I have for you. But I can’t find them. They rebel against these familiar methods of communication. They can’t sing their truest notes or phrases or rhythms or harmonies. No dance understands the fullness […]
There are two kinds of eaters. Those that stop after one serving because they might think it is excessive, greedy, or rude. And those that go for a second helping. That’s me. I go for a second helping. I love the taste of the different flavors on the plate, the discernment of what smells good, […]
The encounter invites a new name. A silent name whispered during a sacred moment never to be announced. Some will no longer know your name. You will forget your own name, only to call to your soul for another. And another. The one who cries. The one who never cries. The dancer, the healer, the […]
Stop the words Everything is music.* The moaning at night as we age, vibrating through the body. The humming in the shower accompanying the flow of water. The rustling of the sprouting kale seeds and blossoms of peas. Listen to the melodies of life bursting forth. The pencil on paper. The rumbling of the dishwasher […]
Everything we know leads back to the river of loss and the lessons woven within her gentle ripples and harsh currents. Each day we choose the dip. Some days the dip is forever tears. Other days the tears become a mikveh, we step gently into the waters of the womb of God, offer a blessing, […]
This is the drash (sermon) I gave at my rabbinic ordination in January, 2006. It is still relevant today. As I celebrate my 16th year as a rabbi, I share this with you. The Torah portions mentioned were read in synagogues during the prior two weeks during 2021/5782. In this week’s Torah portion, Vayechi, Jacob […]
My sermon from 2019 about unconditional love. Time to revisit this! I recently watched the movie Boy Erased based on the memoir of Garrard Conleys. It’s a very intense movie which described a true Christian Gay Conversion therapy program in the 1980s and 90s in Memphis Tennessee. It was called Love in Action. Most […]
One of my favorite things to teach is ways to approach Jewish prayer so that it opens a place in your heart that is deeply personal. The recipe I use is approaching prayer as medicine, unlocking it’s healing remedies through learning, singing, creative writing, sharing, and listening in a small group. We write about how […]
I don’t remember the names of my friends I spent my waking hours with when I was a young child. Playing hide and seek in all nooks and crannies in the street. Sitting together at school, and then after school finding our way into each other’s homes, into each other’s rooms. Into each other’s kitchens. […]
I have been deployed to listen and accompany others to help them feel the presence of something unnameable, unpronounceable, something Timeless. To deepen and find meaning in those moments. To cry, to laugh, to wonder, to appreciate. To feel. I call myself a Spiritual Midwife or Accompanist, but in a way, I am a spiritual […]
I. The dead. The alive. And those in between. They are always with us. They always have been. They always will be. Whether they are invited or not, we hear the hum of their unmistakable presence. As we learn how to talk about the unspeakable, and when we fail miserably. By our side, sitting on […]
Deborah was a woman who was adored by many and who adored life. As she celebrated many birthdays, her body began to contract into itself and cause her a great deal of physical pain, while her mind and heart expanded, reaching to the desert, reaching to the wisdom of the Jewish ancestors, and reaching to […]
Shanah Tovah! The book “Why we Swim” reports this story from Iceland. There was a fishing boat with 5 fishermen on a routine fishing trip. The seas were very cold, but they were prepared for the cold. The seas were rough, but they were skilled in navigating rough seas. Yet this trip turned out […]
Sounds of the shofar crying out wailing raising the alarm How many years have the voices of many gone unheard? Can we hear their Tekiyah? their cry of summoning? Can we hear their Teruah? their cry of alarm and urgency? Can we hear their Shevarim? their weeping cry of brokenness? What do you hear? What […]
After the vaccine, we slowly begin to engage in a list of “safer” activities, previously postponed. A dentist appointment, getting hearing aids, a gathering at the house. I walk to the bank to retrieve the thumb-drive. Photos of my parents who have been dead for several years. My ancestors speak to me there in that […]
Incubation I am an impatient woman. I like to cook fast and eat fast. My favorite meal is eating dessert first. I don’t deliberate about what to buy in the grocery store. I plant succulents because they are forgiving. They thrive after being stuck in the ground with little or no care needed. I time […]
Inspired by being asked to bow our heads in prayer, put our hands together in prayer, and by the ”prayer” emoticon. PART I How does your body pray? My Jewish body prays in silence, in word, in song, in study, rocking, wrapped in a tallit, standing, sitting. Prostrating on the ground. Hands up to God, […]
The torn, faded photo books filled with nameless, unrecognizable people, frozen in time, sit in our drawers, move in boxes from house to house. May you find them at the perfect hour. We wonder where each bead came from, and where they might find you in years to come. Adorning you in celebration. Carefully crafted […]
She came to me in humility In humility I respond As I connect, or yearn to connect, with something greater than anything we know in this earthly plain. Let the yearnings of my sister friend be felt, through a sense of easing. Let the breath release, let the inner and outer match, and medicine flow […]
The questions never stop. So many attempts to answer. The words the healer speaks, just for you Songs of healing-delicious, intentional, with tears, with smiles The remedy-or is it an incantation? Just the right herbs and spices Prayer-alone, in community, in dreams, in dance Forgiveness-self, forgiveness-others Yearning for more, always a yearning for something else […]
She decided to let go of the ground she stood on. I’m not sure why. I don’t believe She knows how to fly. Not yet I imagine she clings every day, but not today She let go of her grasp It was choking Learning to fly she saw much more Letting go of the […]
Home: The house, the keys, the mailbox, the driveway. Heat, showers, plumbing, refrigerator, foundation. Wilderness: keys to forgiveness, mailbox to my ancestors. Water flowing with surprise. Wandering: I choose the key that shows itself before me. The path, lined with tears or song, dance, or stillness. It is time to make a home […]
It hangs on her wall. Framed, centered, prominent, a mirror into the soul. Always a reminder of what she does not see, what she does not speak, what she does not hear, what she cannot smell or touch. It hangs on her wall, it’s emptiness speaks so loudly She covers her eyes so as not […]
I know you can only see red right now. Yes, it is red Yes, it is real I know you can’t imagine or dream or remember a time of bright purple or violet, or maybe even a neon yellow with gold glitter tinting, but those colors are in their bottles waiting for you. They speak. […]
Enjoy the opportunity to reflect on the question and consider using this piece of art to help you.
What is the heartache that needs tending to today? What do you want to savor but are afraid to? What regret is disrupting your life? How has beauty touched your soul? What helps your soul sing when you can’t remember? Where are you being called to look? What are the obstacles that keep you from […]
It is urgent to feel Grieve, and let the hurt make you whole again And then look Do not look away Allow the blood to flow like paint dripping, dripping without borders See the hunger Become food Eat Drink the sky Look up Trust that you won’t fly away Surrender in prayer Taste the earth, […]
I remember mere fragments of my childhood. Ice storms that quieted the day’s regular patterns. Practicing the violin as I looked out at the ice and snow and saw cold everywhere. In second grade we learned about clouds. We looked up every day. Talking with God. Without language. Lilacs, purple, abundant, outside my window. The […]
Do you remember the summer you came to visit? We went swimming late at night. We got lost in the wild surges of the waves. Literally. Do you remember why you came to visit? I remember What needed to happen Never did. 50 years later I remember the ache and yearning for a summer […]
A beloved plant eaten by deer for breakfast, another uprooted whole by gophers Meet the plane crash. The melodies she had inside her, now quiet forever Meet the moment I knew one of us will go Meet the heart breaking, just imagining Meet my mother, who I am very much like, but forgot to love […]
Twenty-four years ago I had a dream that Rabbi Zari Weiss, my beloved rabbi at the time, offered me several kippot to try on. I didn’t remember much more about the dream, but when I woke up I was happy. I knew my life was over as I knew it and my head would […]
I remember and honor you with love and humility. You taught me through words and deeds. Forgive me, if I did not let that be known to you during your lifetime. May my thoughts, words, and actions help your soul rise and soar. I pray with all my heart that you continue to be deeply […]
Welcome to my website! Now Chaya’s Garden is part of the website. A new beginning, a time of creativity and gratitude. It’s raining. Let the rain heal and nourish the earth and all that inhabit her. Thank you Ellen Tobe for all your brilliance, design, patience, and skill in making this happen. I have learned […]
Hi Everyone, I want to make sure I don’t lose those of you who are “following” me which means you automatically get my writings from this blog (chayasgarden) into your email box. Word press doesn’t give me a way to know who is a follower (unless you have commented). For awhile chayasgarden will be forwarded […]
Individual Direction offers a monthly precious hour to sit with and deepen your experience of the connection you have, or yearn for, with spirituality as you know it. I have space for a few more people to accompany in this process. Contact me to learn more. cgusfield@gmail.com. Group Spiritual Direction is where we gather […]
This is all we have, this moment, this pen, this room. This is all we have, the sound of the trucks coming to fix a leak next door. This is all we have, my beloved sleeping in my bed, tired from the struggle of worry. This is all we have, the memory of an apple […]
The color, invites you in. Begin by cutting the top and bottom off and then scoring the peel. If you don’t know what scoring is, imagine you do. Like an orange, open it in sections. Listen to what the seeds are saying. Each seed an instruction from God. Compost the rotten parts. There are always […]
Starts in December, every other week Five two hour sessions with R. Chaya Gusfield on Zoom Pick which time slot works for you. Each time slot will be limited to 6 people. Join either the Monday OR Tuesday group. Monday evenings at 6:30 p.m. PST Or Tuesday mornings at 9:30 a.m. PST $180 for five […]
Shana Tova: The word for longing or yearning in Hebrew is GAGU’IM. I love that word. It sounds like what it means. Gagu’im. It is an important concept for us to explore this historic year. I believe many of us have been in a constant state of gagu’im/yearning. If we can tap into the experience […]
We always say I will be the one who will be standing when she dies. There are so many assumptions in that statement: She will die. She will die before I do. I will be able to stand. We think we know the path, the plan Yet there have already been so many silences when […]
Sounds of the shofar crying out wailing raising the alarm How many years have the voices of many gone unheard? Can we hear their Tekiyah? their cry of summoning? Can we hear their Teruah? their cry of alarm and urgency? Can we hear their Shevarim? their weeping cry of brokenness? What do you hear? What […]
We are past day 150 or so of shelter in place. In the US there is more than 180,000 dead, 234 in Alameda County, 11,661 souls in California. (Many more have died worldwide.) Gone from the virus. Most died alone. Millions are suddenly out of work, health care, and many have no money to pay […]
If my skin was translucent you could see my blood. You could see my impatience rising when people use acronyms that point out who is on the inside and who isn’t in the know. If my skin was translucent you could see the thoughts in the brain going back and forth-some of worry about that […]
We came together and said words of importance out loud. The unspoken words were much louder and even more important. It was unavoidable that some would hear them and others wouldn’t. It was unavoidable that some unspoken words were misunderstood. There were unspoken responses to the unspoken words. By the end of the hour so […]
You can’t bring back the dead, but you can live with them inside your feet and your hands, guiding your cooking, your dreaming, your words. Singing melodies of comfort, so sweetly. You can say their names out loud. Name your children after them, make movies about them and wear their socks or pajamas. Or […]
My work is to stay alive in the fullest sense of the word. My work is to go beyond breathing and eating, and imagine moments of wonder and awe. And do more than imagine. My work is to be generous to everyone I know and don’t know through expressions of love and resources. My work […]
Stories hide. They stay quiet, listening for the perfect moment to be told. Sometimes they sneak out of the mouth when no one is looking and you can feel all the breath in the room stop, and there is quiet. Exquisite quiet. Sometimes the story hides until a sudden moment of bravado and is offered […]
The road I travel contains a braided cord, each thread a story, a love, a heartbreak, a nectarine. The road I travel is a woven rug with imperfections and places worn by feet that have walked many miles. The road I travel is my mother’s blanket, warm, with stains and holes and repairs. Stitches that […]
I had never been so thin as an adult. I was experimenting with being on a “cleanse” and ate only non-processed food, did not eat past 7 p.m. and drank more water. I wouldn’t even eat ketchup or anything made with any kind of flour, only whole grains. Rice cakes were a big stretch and […]
As I walk through the cemetery I greet the residents. Some I know very well, so I stop and place a rock on their grave. We have a conversation. Some I only met after they died, but I learned about them and their family in preparing to officiate their burial. Some I grew to know, […]
I. Wander the house Open the doors Refrigerator Freezer Pantry Waiting for the pieces of fruit, half eaten banana, unripe peach or crunchy peanut butter to give me a recipe Sort CDs, searching for that special one I thought I had lost I find “healing CD” (where did I get this? Whose […]
You’ve had days like this, days you thought you just might not survive without 3 naps or a piece of chocolate cake with ice cream, and then more ice cream. Days where when you woke up you wondered where you were and when you found out, you wished you had the superpower of time […]
I say holy, holy, holy Kadosh Kadosh Kadosh קדוש קדוש קדוש Up on toes stretching to the heavens As if there is an answer there Reaching with ten shaky fingers As if my wholeness is already known Pouring silent, wordless, yearning I see a breeze, a whisper, a yes Saying—come closer, come even closer
I am not afraid of waking up to the sound of crows walking on the roof. I do not own this house. I am a guest. I am not afraid of walking on the pavement or sand, or dirt path. Whenever I see you approaching I will remember to smile. I am not afraid to […]
Hidden in our blood, bones, breath, organs. Accompanying us in death. Speaking through song. Let Mystery have its place in you. To awaken when she is needed.
I Since you died nothing has changed 1.People who struggle with their demons still do. 2.There still is no good treatment for many mental health conditions. 3. There still is regret for how you died. 4. There still is anger at the way some people just can’t be saved. 5. I still look at your […]
I This is a time of counting: the dead, the number of cases, the number of unemployed This is a time of counting: time from diagnosis, time until labs, time until retirement This is a time of counting: how long we have been in the pandemic, how long we think this will go on This […]
People you hadn’t talked with in a long time, or ever, would ask you how you are holding up. “Do you need anything?” Sewing machines came out of hiding and neighbors would leave gifts of homemade masks, or corn tortillas they bought too much of, or an extra thermometer, or matza for Passover on […]
I’m Afraid. I’m afraid of insects-the pincher bugs, spiders, ants, flies, wasps, moths that eat my plants and my clothes, bugs I can’t see but cause my itching, lots of itching. I’m afraid of what erupts on my skin from the inside out, in my scalp, on my back, on my legs, in places you […]
I don’t know how to speak the truth My mother was so disturbed by being so disturbed My father was so lonely you could taste it the minute you saw him I write because the house smelled of urine and there was no place to sit Because I can feel the anti-semitism when I open […]
Prayer for The people I pass cautiously on the sidewalk The baby crying, looking around with wonder hearing a very loud, angry crow. The tomato that turned red overnight waiting, just waiting The water whose journey is long before it arrives at our shower Let there be praise Let there be thanks Let there be […]
My life might be so much easier if I would say yes to what’s coming. Given that I don’t know what’s coming, saying yes seems so much wiser than saying no. We think we know what’s coming and then there is an earthquake, a suicide, a terminal diagnosis, a car crash, a dead baby, an […]
My father’s painting from the Eldergivers art show-a child in a red coat in the New York snow-Of all of his art made in his 90s, this is his best. This is also my brother’s favorite. It’s on my wall. My sister’s last piece of art painted while in the hospital, wanting out of this […]
Dedicated to the memory of Annie Kennedy, may her memory be a blessing This is what the living do. They crawl on their hands and knees over broken glass to live without you. They sleep alone knowing you will never lay beside them again. They make brownies but they just don’t taste good anymore. This […]
There were times in my life where my sadness was forced to surrender. I fought it for so long. Sometimes for years, and then suddenly I laid down and said “take me”. There was the time a cow stole one of my tennis shoes drying from the routine of its daily white polish, sitting in […]
I promise not to try to impress you Or God I promise not to be the most patient listener, I pride myself in interrupting with passion But I will hear you I won’t run that mile or two, just walk fervently up that hill. I can’t find the best place to donate my money, but […]
I remember the heat of India. I remember sticking out as the only (5 or 6 year old) white American until I was sent home from Catholic school because everyone pinched my cheeks so hard they turned red and I couldn’t stop crying. They thought I was so cute. I remember that when my grandmother […]
You can’t have it all but you can have this dance, this melody, this mango, dripping, dripping. You can have the quiet of dawn waiting for you. You can have rage rising for justice, take a knee, experience the unexpected. You can have the sound of the clock measuring time, guiding your day. You can […]
Friends, Buddhist Teacher Eve Decker and I will be offering a two hour Healing Service online. People have experienced this service as a time to receive, reflect and rejuvenate. Using Jewish and Buddhist approaches, we will offer meditation, music, writing opportunities and teachings to support well-being during these uncertain courageous, and heartbreaking times. Eve and […]
There are dishes in the sink that are not mine. Because I left dishes in the sink and they are gone, cleaned and ready to be used gain. Because I feel breathing next to me as I sleep, sometimes it calms me and sometimes I wonder “Who is this person and why can she sleep?” […]
Who knew that I would turn 64 during the “Great Pandemic” and the “Great Revolt”? Actually, it’s not until next week. Who will live and who will die is two inches in front of my eyes. Who suffers and who feels like it’s a vacation? Who dies living Black? Who is at ease and who […]
Peeling potatoes is a form of prayer to you. To me, it’s just peeling potatoes. Prayer is waking up slowly and noticing the light in the room. The first breath and then the next. Prayer is walking barefoot on the cork floor, support under my toes, knowing today is a day I won’t feel alone. […]
Begin Take a thread and needle and straight pin Mend the rip You will see the fabric will always have been torn It now serves anew Plant the seed and water it Watch what emerges With sunlight and soil and song Always a surprise
I am a spiritual midwife: I listen to your words and your body. I ask God to bring me images, sounds, smells and memories of what you are experiencing beyond your spoken words. I listen even more deeply for the responses that would be most helpful, most healing in the moment. I trust my intuition […]
The group was excited, nervous, energetic to do the exercise our beloved teacher invited our group to do. To fall backwards off a wall into the loving arms of our friends. To bond. Trust, they called it. I looked around. There were about 15 of us. Everyone looked beautiful, shining, dusty, in this rustic camp. […]
Thirty six years ago she was born between my legs with a circle of 13 women surrounding my bed. In my small, upstairs, sunny bedroom in my North Oakland apartment I disturb my downstairs neighbors with my moaning. My young, energetic and very sweet doctor/midwife attended to us, helping in the journey that felt eternal. […]
Using Jewish and Buddhist approaches, Chaya and Eve will offer meditation, music, and teachings to support well-being during uncertain times. TICKETS & INFORMATION: Please RSVP to cgusfield@gmail.com by April 27. You will get instructions for how to pay the requested $18 and instructions for attending. No one is turned away for lack of funds. Gathering, […]
We walk numb, we walk crying, we walk hurried, we walk like walking through mud. Will I be the one that carries the virus and causes the death of my beloved or my neighbor or my daughter? Will you be the one? Who will be the one? How do we answer questions we have […]
Please share this amazing work, recently published in Ritual Well, written by my friend Ilana. I have often used this prayer with people deciding to go on hospice when appropriate. Bittersweet Shehekheyanu: A Revised Blessing for Gratitude and Loss By Ilana Schatz | October 17, 2019 I needed a way to spiritually acknowledge and accept […]
It’s been an exciting past 5 weeks leading High Holy day services at Kol HaEmek in Redwood Valley with a broken arm! We are now gearing up for another creative event and hope to see you there. Please pass this on to friends of yours that may be interested. As a part of the Reimagine […]
My soul heard you calling, to me Encouraging me to come into the wholeness of my being In ways I never hoped for (or even imagined). You said there was no need to stay in places of brokenness. You said I could heal and become a healer in my own unique way. You said the […]
Inspired by the work of Spiritual Director Diane Millis (Re-creating a Life Learning How to tell Our Most Life-giving Story). Once upon a time there was a little baby born to a family with an older sister and brother, and a mom and dad. And what a baby she was! So cute and cheerful, Baby […]
I have been writing for a few years now on this blog and I am ready to spread my wings. I want to ask you to do two things for me: When you are touched by something I write or have some comment, please comment on this blog. (it’s fine to also let me know […]
Because she was my first love, I learned how to live with a broken heart, And love again. Because I learned how to love again, I learned how to live. Because I learned how to live, I learned how to die. Because I learned how to die, I learned how to be with others who […]
It’s interesting to name God, to theorize about God, to talk about God. But it’s even more precious (and interesting) to experience God, marinate in the Presence, Feel God, and to Go Beyond the Name. THE NAME is really all life and that which is beyond life. As Arthur Waskow says, The Name includes the […]
The tears came quite unexpectantly Between us, between the pain, across decades of life On an empty BART train on the last day of the year. “Will you please ask the voices inside my head to stop talking to me, it’s very upsetting” he said. “Of course” I said, and I did. I pleaded that […]
As I picked away the dead leaves of the plant to allow the plant to feel free, I felt my mother’s hands guiding me. No, it was more like my body was being inhabited by her arms. Was it me or my mother tending to the plant? I don’t remember her teaching me about plants, […]
Father, today, I “kaddish” you. I thank you I have no regrets I hope you don’t either. I drink in your art, I touch the mezzuza that was on your house for so many years It guards our home, as you guarded me As I fiercely guarded you I smell your handkerchiefs I have hope […]
When we attended our first Multiple Myeloma support group meeting, Judith had just received her catastrophic diagnosis of an incurable cancer. Everyone was introduced as either the “patient” or their “caregiver.” I immediately responded, “I am family, I am Judith’s partner”. I wasn’t going to start off this cancer journey suddenly transforming our relationship from […]
We board the train in Warsaw and sit across from a mother and her teenage son. It is hot and our knees are nearly touching them in this arrangement. The tracks are bordered by forests and we look at each other and start to softly cry thinking of those that hid and ran into these […]
I had a very special experience this summer witnessing a Marine mammal release. Three sick sea lions had been found on the beaches of N. California. They were rescued by the Marine mammal center staff and volunteers located in Sausalito. After the Marine Mammal hospital cared for them and restored them to health, they brought […]
Her voice, her face, the nervous continual tapping on her clipboard is embedded in my mind, in my heartbreak. She was the “cold, disconnected doctor” who gave us the bad news. There was little compassion, kindness, or awareness of who was sitting before her. Strictly business, only giving medical information that our shock could not […]
Three and a half years ago my partner, who worked as a physical therapist for Kaiser, received a catastrophic diagnosis of Multiple Myeloma, an incurable blood cancer. At that time I was already working at Kaiser part-time as an acute care chaplain and soon after I joined the Palliative Care team. Our lives changed overnight […]
I’m usually a hugger. When I see people I haven’t seen for a while or I want to acknowledge someone in an openhearted way, I often will automatically reach for a hug. Physical acknowledgement is usually perceived as a sign of warmth. But not always. In the last few years I have noticed that this […]
Oy Vey Cathy was so beautiful, welcoming me with a smile. A woman of 94 bubbling with stories to share, not exactly sure why she was in the hospital or where she had been living before coming in. She remembered the important things: how her daughter was emptying her house and a coworker of hers […]
As she aged and her dementia ruled most of her days, my mother limited her food intake to packets of white sugar, chocolate (of almost any form) and toast with butter. She occasionally had toast with mayonnaise. When we went to a restaurant or the dining room of her Assisted Living Facility we would be […]
Friends, Recently my friend Laurel suggested I send a piece I had written to another blog and they are about to publish it on their blog. This has encouraged me to think about getting my writings more out there in the world. If you have friends or groups you think would appreciate reading my blog […]
I asked the young rabbi, “Are you angry at God?”. He responded curtly that he wasn’t angry. “There is nothing between me and God. Nothing. To be angry would mean we are in relationship. We are NOT in relationship.” He and his wife had experienced the broken heartedness of many miscarriages. With his experiences came […]
All I knew was her name and that her husband had decided to stop her pain. He agreed to have her compassionately extubated from the ventilator that was breathing for her, but not making her well. She could die any minute or any day. I learned that he could not tolerate the idea of being […]
My partner, Judith, had pain in her sinus cavity caused by a tumor called a plasmacytoma. After her biopsy, her surgeon called Friday afternoon with the results. She asked him to wait fifteen minutes until I could be home with her to get the news. He had no flexibility and said he could speak either […]
No one expected any moments of joy. A long, difficult surgery with a catastrophic diagnosis. Weeks of recovery with pain, feeding tube, nausea, fatigue, despair. Everyone in spiritual crisis, in chaos. Life as they understood it was no more. There was crying, oceans of tears, disbelief. And anger, so much anger. So much disappointment. No […]
I We listen carefully for the change of tone, how the breath moves, a look, a sigh, a touch. The words that are used. The words not spoken. We listen for where the heart is moved or not. Where is the yearning, the hope, the grasping, the brokenness, the resilience, the stretch. We listen for […]
Thank you for your pearls, Bernice Shiny pearls hug my neck and my earlobes Sweet memories of you And yet, I have no memory of you as a pearl woman. More of a stained shirt, cutoff pants woman A woman with a vest and sandals, toes showing, not pearls. Your pearls bring memories of […]
Usually when I post on my blog, i have at least reviewed it several times, maybe even sat with a piece overnight to make sure it is appropriate. (Whatever that means.) But now I am free writing. I do this for myself. Not for you. Monday Judith began her outpatient stem cell transplant (auto) for […]
My older sister died on Memorial Day. Who could every forget being at a Memorial Day picnic at our cousins and getting the news? I sat with my mother in the back seat while my cousin drove us home. The car swam with confusion. How does an almost 14 year old girl feel about a […]
Alex is a good name. Alex was a good son. His father Samuel often wakes up and questions whether he should eat, now that his Alex is gone. Alex can’t eat. He is dead. We gently invite Samuel and others to use markers to color a paper heart of remembrance. Many people are gathered around […]
Today was more than hard for many of us. Catatonic, anxious, scared, shocked, numb, angry, exhausted (no sleep), violated, were words I heard. As an interfaith chaplain, I support those facing serious illnesses while in the hospital. I support their families. I support the staff that serve them. Christians, Muslims, Jews, Catholics, Buddhists, atheists, those […]
It was may, 2005. We boarded the train in Warsaw towards Siedlce, a small town where Judith’s grandmother lived. We sat across from a mother and her teenage son. It was hot, and our knees are nearly touching them in this arrangement. As the train travels through the forest, we look at each other and […]
The room was dark. Rabbi Elazar was still in bed. His face turned toward the wall. He couldn’t even bring himself to look toward the window at life, at light. Rabbi Yochanan entered the room. He looked down through the darkness at his friend. He pulled a chair to the side of the bed. He […]
My father relied heavily on my mother to make decisions, even after she began her decline with dementia. Big decisions, small decisions, it didn’t matter. I was always surprised when he asserted a strong opinion about something that led to a decision for the family. When my mother died, he began to rely on me […]
My phone rarely rings on Shabbat as most of my friends know I prefer not to engage on the phone during Shabbat unless it is urgent. As the phone rang I noticed it was from a close friend who has the same practice. At first I was a bit alarmed. When I answered, I was […]
How lucky/blessed I am to be reminded every day of some spiritual resource that inspires and carries people through their lives, during hard times and during celebratory times. I walk into a room where a woman had been tearful. As we explored how she was feeling in that moment I asked what usually carries her […]
She couldn’t stop crying. Her patient had died unexpectantly and it touched a place in her of deep sadness, confusion, and care. She wondered “was there something else I could have done to prevent this?” As I held her hand and we said goodbye to her patient and sent love to her patient’s family, her […]
Prayer is a constant in my life both personally and professionally. I pray alone, in various groups with others, leading prayer for various groups, spontaneously and well planned. I use music, liturgy, text, imagination, and heart. The unexpected comes forth with the simple opening of the mouth for prayer. It is simple, and yet often […]
I know nothing of stillness. If I were still I might be dead. (Or certainly not alive.) My Temple is filled with words and song, debate and discussion, study and engagement. prayer Dance My Temple has smells and bells, smoke and sacrifice. deliciousness I will know nothing of stillness until the day I return to […]
She reached for the bottle of pills. She was calm, but shaky. They were a green blue capsule, somewhat beautious, surrealistic. It was with awe that I imagined the power held within each gel cap, and even more when the contents of each of the 90 pills were stirred into a glass of juice and […]
Distraction Avoidance Sharing about it ad nauseum Writing about it Crying, wringing hands Tossing and turning Coloring Acceptance Eat, Shop, Organize my closet Blame and anger at others for creating the fear Blame and anger at others for not alleviating the fear Pretend there is no fear Justify and glorify the fear Distraction How […]
A large empty bowl, Ceramic, with colors of blue, red, green, and cream, sits quietly in the center of the room. An introvert, not speaking, receiving each person’s introduction: story, hope, grief, recovery, fear, nervous laughter, inside jokes. That which is spoken and that which is not. This magnificent vessel has questions for us. She […]
May the One who blessed our ancestors, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel and Leah and all those who came after them, bless those of us living in the shadow of the valley of death, left behind because of the suffering of a dear soul who took their own life. May our connection with the […]
“Most versions of the Misheberach include language something like this: May the One who blessed our ancestors bless those who are ill and heal them. Give them a complete healing of body, mind, and spirit.” What are we doing when we pray for someone’s healing? My sense is that each person offering prayer often go […]
Nothing is off limits with God. (Thanks God.) And then when we think we have expressed enough pain, lamented enough, howled enough– there is a glimpse of beauty color fabric music art food The deliciousness of each moment a nap a kiss, the sun grace Holding hands with you A stranger A child Holding hands […]
Birthing No resistance Full body The sounds, the moans The hands, the sipping of water, the power of the job at hand 100%, nothing less Hineini, Here I am mother becoming mother “What do I do now?” I asked Gabriella She responded: “Have this baby” ready, here I am, Hineini Let’s do it now! The […]
I am not one of the mourners. I have no candle to light No kaddish to recite No shiva to sit And yet the news of your death There are no words, just the silence Every candle I light brings memories Images of you are woven into every Kaddish I respond to Sitting, I […]
What do we call this sadness? I am not one of the mourners. I have no candle to light No kaddish to recite No shiva to sit The heart tears open in memory of your aliveness Your bright yellow touched my fragile grey blue Holding her gently, allowing her to find her way When I […]
There is chaos and crisis. Pay attention. Also – notice the hummingbird that comes into our garden, And then she leaves. Life is not chaos and crisis. It is bigger, fuller, wider, eternal. Chaos and crisis flow through. My prayer: To remember the hummingbird visits and leaves. To return another time. To leave […]
Heart songs fill the room “Is there anything else you need?” “Only your friendship” Friendship in this life Even on death’s journey From life to next life
He was struggling to open his fruit cup. Then I struggled to open it. I wondered why hospitals give people, who are often weak, difficult things to open, possibly reminding them of what strength they have lost. I was determined to get that damn fruit cup open so he could eat. Once he was eating, […]
Every day we walk through doorways Inside to outside Outside to inside Life to death Sickness to health Birthing into life Several times a day-an opportunity to receive the kiss from the mezuzah on our way The (prayer) — to pause and notice Receive the blessing – Find the teaching- the breath of the moment […]
I Shabbat afternoon, that sweet part of the day. There is sleepiness with a special scent. Longing for more but not sad. Timelessness with the awareness that Shabbat will be leaving in a few hours. Gratitude for the day. A quiet openness. A feeling of being, not doing. Even as we eleven seekers gathered to […]
You so wanted to learn how to use Skype, to connect, to be part of, to join the living One day I was sitting at my computer and you called me on Skype. OMG, my dad is calling! I stopped everything, and answered. “Hi dad, How did you do that?” I asked, so surprised. “What […]
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In my series of stanzas from Psalm 119 that spell either my or Judith’s Hebrew name, I offer you today the 8 verses of the letter HEY ה which I did in Haiku form. I have completed my name (חיה) and begun the two first letter’s of Yehudit. (the yod י and the hey ה) […]
I was born to my mother. With her love she created me. I grew inside of her. She pushed me out, fed me, rocked me, sang to me. As she approached her end, I became her mother Feeding her, singing with her, caring for her. I am a mother. With my love I created […]
For many years I have worked to reduce the stigma against people with mental illnesses by speaking openly about my sister’s mental illness and her resulting death when she was 21. I refer to her illness as a terminal disease. I have fought to try and eliminate the shame that surrounds families of those who […]
I 2001: Judith and I ritual our love and life in the presence of family and friends. We ended that day of surrender with the entire group of angels surrounding us in protection with song: “Wearing our longwinged feathers as we fly, wearing our longwinged feathers as we fly, we circle around, we circle around, […]
Psalm 119 is written alephbetically. There are 8 verses that begin with the Hebrew letter aleph, 8 verses that begin with the Hebrew letter bet, etc. The Psalm goes through all of the 22 letters of the Hebrew AlephBet, each having 8 verses. It is a Chassidic tradition that when one is in need of […]
My daughter says she misses her grandparents. It is much more than a missing. I missed you….I waited, but you never came I missed.. I waited, but I didn’t see you where you were supposed to meet me I missed you… I waited, but we didn’t find each other Missing isn’t it. I feel you, […]
I confess: I hide jewelry. In pockets and paper bags, under things you would never think to look under, in the safety deposit box. And then I look for it, kind of like Hide and Seek. Hide me, and then Find me. I obsess about where I hid it. I make lists to help me […]
Eleven of us stood in the rain honoring the life of my father as we unveiled his tombstone. “Esteemed Scholar, Lover of Life and Learning.” Two days earlier I had discovered a poem he wrote in his journal from T.S.Elliott: “I grow old, I grow old, I shall wear my trousers rolled.” It made me […]
(Inspired by Psalm 20* Intended to be read aloud for full impact.) We call, there is an answer. We don’t call, there is no answer. It’s pretty simple. It’s hard to remember to call. It’s easier to sink into the aloneness that can take over. The blanket, not enough The cold only getting colder The […]
As we stand around the candles, all eight candles lit, plus the Shamas, the one that stands by to assist, we remember Chanukahs past and imagine Chanukas in the future. We notice how many people these menorahs have been with and all their different configurations. Some nights only one witness of the flames. This year […]
When I walked into her room, I knew she was facing an uncertain cancer diagnosis, but I didn’t know how she was managing. I wondered where she found strength, if any, and if her connection to Judaism or any other spiritual practice might be helpful to her or her family at this time. With the […]
Our visit began by him immediately sharing his truth. He didn’t want to lose a part of his body, actually, parts of his body. It was most likely that very soon it would be decided that he must have the surgery, or he might die. Within weeks. We began as strangers, but immediately we attempted […]
I found myself on the eve of the first night of Chanukah, about an hour before candlelighting, serving a Jewish woman in the hospital. I wished her a Chag Sameach and asked her how she was holding up. After getting to know her a bit, I asked her if she wanted to receive the misheberach, […]
They teach us that we all go there after we die, at least for a bit. That place of transition we call Gehenna. (For purification on our journey.) It’s hard to imagine that you went there alone, without mom. Facing your regrets, your shame, directly with the past of a lifetime. It’s hard to see […]
The heart has no order. It forgets the season and speaks only from its own chaos or joy, celebration or brokenness. Longing for guidance; yearning for path, road, bridge, signs Gentle attention. Hoping for a place to rest and be rested Within the Womb of God
Many of us swim in a sea of suffering, uncertainty, and tragedy that could and most likely will, strike at any moment. The stories are current and immanent, as well as based on the realistic fear of a future tragic event. In my close circle and in my work I daily encounter the crisis of […]
Read on the morning of Thanksgiving at Morning Minyan, the week of Vayishlach at Temple Beth Abraham, 2015 Today is the last day I say Kaddish for you, my father, during this year of my mourning. The year you closed your eyes forever. Although this marks the end of this part of our journey together, […]
My Hair, 2013 (mourning my mother) Every look in the mirror or window often a remembrance that the fabric of my life has changed, torn, never the same The curls flow and frizz and wind around and play The grey is gentle Big hair, lots of it, not controlled Most strands for mom, a few […]
A patient, in much distress, confusion, grief Cries out for comfort and clarity She doesn’t remember ever having a problem this big, so big she couldn’t see how to make it through. She wonders what she did that could make this happen No clues, no answers, just more questions I am a stranger, receiving her […]
A friend of mine recently just shared with me that she was surprised at the heaviness of my writing. She was surprised because she knows me well and I don’t seem to be as despairing or sad as my writings may indicate. This led me to think about my writing and what purpose it has […]
כב וַיִּתְרֹצְצוּ הַבָּנִים, בְּקִרְבָּהּ, וַתֹּאמֶר אִם-כֵּן, לָמָּה זֶּה אָנֹכִי; וַתֵּלֶךְ, לִדְרֹשׁ אֶת-יְהוָה. 22 And the children struggled together within her; and she (Rebecca/Rivka) said: ‘If it be so, wherefore do I live?’ And she went to inquire of God. כג וַיֹּאמֶר יְהוָה לָהּ, שְׁנֵי גֹיִים בְּבִטְנֵךְ, וּשְׁנֵי לְאֻמִּים, מִמֵּעַיִךְ יִפָּרֵדוּ; וּלְאֹם מִלְאֹם יֶאֱמָץ, וְרַב יַעֲבֹד צָעִיר. […]
Your Bridge You asked us to be your bridge: to help you talk with your beautiful teenage children. To speak words not yet spoken. You had thought you had been protecting them from the fear of losing you. You hoped. Now, you care for them in a new way: through truth-telling with tears. Walk, my […]
סז וַיְבִאֶהָ יִצְחָק, הָאֹהֱלָה שָׂרָה אִמּוֹ, וַיִּקַּח אֶת-רִבְקָה וַתְּהִי-לוֹ לְאִשָּׁה, וַיֶּאֱהָבֶהָ; וַיִּנָּחֵם יִצְחָק אַחֲרֵי אִמּוֹ 67 And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rivka, and she became his wife; and he loved her. And Isaac was comforted for his mother. Rivka becomes the successor to Sarah the matriarch, ensuring continuity of the […]
I honor our tradition’s’ rituals about mourning. They help us not rush to cheer us out of our feelings or get us to “move on” or do the emotional disservice of “trying to feel better”. Each ritual or practice serves its sacred purpose in the tapestry of love and memory. We begin to integrate memories […]
You always wanted me to feel you, to experience your soul, to appreciate your chiyut, your lifeforce. You yearned for that much of my life. Is it any solace to have it now? Today I found within me the Yiddish song you taught me. It was the only common language I had with an elderly […]
As I approach the last day to say Kaddish for my dad for the first year of mourning (Thanksgiving), I am reminded of what I wrote for mom when she died almost 3 years ago. I hope this will inspire me to write for my dad. Today is the last day I am saying kaddish […]
Shema Koleinu is one of the 19 prayers in the weekday Amidah. The custom is to speak these two words in an audible manner, even when the rest of the prayers in the Amidah section are done quietly. I love the imperative to be aloud at this time. It is like a bold pen underlying […]
A song about joy found in sacred place (makom). A psalm praising God for defending us, protecting us. A poem about being led, carried into future generations. where there is joy, there is fear where there is protection, there is threat, where there is leadership, we were once lost. Where there is God, there is […]
קַוֵּה, אֶל-יְהוָה: חֲזַק, וְיַאֲמֵץ לִבֶּךָ; וְקַוֵּה, אֶל-יְהוָה Rabbi Yael Levy interprets this sacred directive or invitation by God, this way: Cultivate Hope in the Infinite Presence Let Your Heart be Strong and Filled with Courage Cultivate Hope How does one cultivate/plant/grow Hope or let our hearts be Strong and be filled with Courage? Moment […]
It is so powerful to praise the wisdom of our bodies, the intricacies of our organs, our veins containing our blood, our intestines moving our bowels. How each one has its own special purpose, helping us to stay alive, to be alive, to embrace life. It’s wondrous to understand the power that even one small […]
דּוֹר הֹלֵךְ וְדוֹר בָּא, וְהָאָרֶץ לְעוֹלָם עֹמָדֶת 4 One generation goes, and another generation comes; and the earth stands for ever. (Kohelet 1:4) When she died, it felt like the earth stopped standing. When he died, it did stop. I walked and walked until I found the edges of the earth. I peered over the […]
Our future is uncertain There is a road, a direction, but no map. We could rush the driving so we see more sunsets, go to new places, Maybe eat new delicious food. We could cram Or we can wake up, take a shower, walk outside in the garden, make something to eat Pick out the […]
I am drowning In images Stuff Memories Questions trying to find my way Orphan girl A real grown up now I am surprised at how we have been robbed of the truth: we all are mortal. We die. Every death feels like tragedy Even those that are true blessings of release. I am overwhelmed with […]
My parents were quite large in so many ways, to many people, in many lands. They were SOMEbodies. They counted. Now they are gone. Legacy emerges every day something new. I learn about them and where they reside within me. A taste, a look, an expression, a desire, a yearning. They were so connected they […]
Love is a word like God, not so easy to describe, yet we know it when we feel it. your eyes sparkle with life, an aliveness, and you dance with the energy of the earth. you are the earth and water and sky and fire, closer to those elements sometimes than to humans. When you […]
She asked me, “how’s your heart?” The heart responded with a soreness, a weepiness (Unexpected at that time and place.) Memories of when I gave birth There was a primal sound, uncontrollable, filled with purpose and power. (Unexpected at that time and place.)
It’s more than a puzzle. Puzzles have solutions and are usually fun. It’s greater than an inquiring mind, at home in the libraries. It’s the heart’s huge ache, inability to comprehend: more like betrayal, the shock. You create us and teach us, even command us to love: “grow close”, You say, “even closer…” “As close […]
I wake early, walk 35 minutes each way to daven. I honor my father’s memory and life. I join with all mourners who are honoring their loved ones by saying Kaddish. Together we stand. Through the rhythm of these mysterious power incantations we praise life and the Creator of all, the source of Heartbreak/the Source […]
I am privileged to witness some of the most tender times in people’s lives, even though they don’t realize I can feel them. She found me at the beach and put me in her pocket. She took me home. I no longer felt the beach or waves or ocean spray. The trip in the pocket, […]
The setting: the town where I went to middle school and high school..where our family experienced tragedy and grief, where I escaped into beach culture, sometimes naked, where I visited my parents for many years— witnessing their slow and then fast decline, from where we moved our parents to help them escape their private hell […]
My father was a giant in both his professional life and in our family. He was Captain Kangaroo at my grade school carnivals where he would take prizes for the kids out of each of his huge pockets. As a young girl I couldn’t have been prouder. And then in 6th grade he taught our […]
From this place of shared memory You live on through loving and learning From this place of honor Your soul rises to the Ultimate classroom, to be with the Ultimate professor From this place of sadness We know the touches of comfort From this place of ritual We know hope From this place of brokenness […]
I see them in your eyes I see my mother in your eyes Yearning for a better world I feel my father finding solace in art, drawing images while the tears flow Broken heart, a sense of homelessness Your beloved no longer, your health no longer, no sacred space you can call your own. Home […]
3 haikus Your art continues A life of love and learning A simple death Your life of learning Inhaled and received by many Help me mourn Burdens are lifted Sweet and sour freedom tastes good Tomorrow tears flow
The impact o f your death escapes me Except when I walk alone up the hill. As I ascend, I can feel you ascend. I remember how you slipped from this life with ease… The difference between being alive and dead almost imperceptible. I say Kaddish with purpose, devotion, and hope…. That your soul will […]
Walking, walking, walking You are everywhere In meditation New friends Dreams Walking, walking, walking You are everywhere Beside me Behind In front Hovering above Resting below Walking, walking, walking You are everywhere
I turn the corner. Each time I am at that spot I begin to cry. Each time it catches in my throat. Each time it takes me by surprise. Something about beginning the climb up the hills. Alone. Memories of years with you: aging, trying, hoping, fixing, being, advocating, praying, sighing, celebrating, being alone, and […]
When I was in my early twenties I was in love with Elia Dreyfuss. As a symbol of my love I bought Elia a stuffed monkey and called her “Forever”. My hope, of course, was that we would be together forever. After six years we went our separate ways but over time we stayed friends. […]
Our family was struck by cancer. There was a tumor, then a diagnosis, then treatment, but no cure for my partner. It’s as if we were struck by lightening, fire, or earthquake and everything, EVERYTHING changed in the moment when we received the call that the CT scan showed a mass. As a hospital chaplain, […]
I can feel the baggage that comes with this diagnosis. The bag is filled with nagging thoughts that I keep at bay, locked away until night time or when someone else is rude enough to open the bag. That someone else might even be me. With the shock of this catastrophic diagnosis, we were brought […]
I love the Tefillat Haderech (the Traveler’s Prayer) and use it not just when traveling on a plane or car, but with people who are on a serious life journey. While reading a traditional version of this prayer in my siddur (prayerbook) I saw a note that some people follow tefillat haderech with the ending […]
There are many places to find gorgeous renditions of Jewish sacred liturgy, niggunim (power melodies that evoke certain qualities), and songs. I am not going to try and reinvent the wheel here or even link you to an extensive list of wonderful websites where you can find them, although I will on occasion make reference […]
Walking in the Cemetery Walk with the spirits Leaves blow air crisp squirrels run Stones with memory Party 1 Party of old friends A full truth yet unspoken Sitting quietly Party 2 A room of laughter To gather love stories food Pumpkin cheesecake cream
I don’t really wonder about God. I don’t ask why? This isn’t really about God. There are lots of ways to travel: Different tributaries-the fighters, or those who enter the river’s flow. Planets for the sick people or planets for the well. People randomly picked for difficulties and don’t ask why, and those who desperately […]
I am a rabbi, Jewish spiritual leader, a Spiritual Director, a chaplain. I provide Spiritual Care. I have honed skills in compassion. I know how to connect across difference to find the deliciousness of a shared heart. I can listen deeply to something bigger than is being said with words. I am in love […]
I can breathe more easily when we are real—The silence of small talk is stifling. Who will break open first? We are all silent as he cries, suddenly opening the circle. He can’t speak. We are the net holding the emotion, the reality, the story, the mystery. Our tears silently begin to flow, each […]
October 20 Today shloshim ended. 30 days of mourning from the day of diagnosis Broken heart of our lives’ dreams The body and spirit in shock Food I cook tasted like grief Walking in the fire— terror— nightmare Now it is past 30 days I take a breath The heart is more than its fragility […]
It feels like someone has died We are sitting shiva The mirrors are covered…we dare not look The community brings food, soups, salads, meals, sends cards and comforting gifts The visits are deep, the memories and photos shared. Life as we knew it has died We are bereft and angry and afraid. We wail When […]
I wish it were that easy: I cry, you hear me, you come in, and sit by my side comfort my soul, touch my hand, a simple kindness Then I would say to you Thank you for hearing my cry but it doesn’t happen that way do I need to be louder? (I try […]
Shalom שלום
You have found the garden where I share my essays, poems, thoughts and sometimes music. A garden is a place where things grow, die, blossom, hide, surprise, struggle, comfort, and are reborn. A garden is a place for renewal and resourcing. I hope you find visiting Chaya’s Garden a healing place for you.
The days are no longer marked by rituals that serve— as land to the wholeness of grief Burial (Levaya, accompaniment) Shiva (sitting still, receiving) Kaddish, Kaddish, Kaddish, Kaddish, Kaddish, Kaddish, Kaddish (Praising the Great Name: Shmey Rabba) Yarzheit (Remembering—a liminal time between the past and the future) To be untethered is my new ritual Unbouyed, […]
I could feel the laminated kaddish card in my pocket all day. During the hike, the lake, the waterfalls, the ocean view, I counted how many were with us. Oh yes, only seven, we need ten. Well maybe there were people on the path who would want to be counted towards the minyan..to be the […]
It was a busy day and I had a lot to do before our trip to New York, leaving at noon. Pack, clean, cook, return calls, figure out the ride to the airport. The last thing I wanted to do was to go to minyan to say kaddish for my mother. After all, it had […]
Today I brought your tarnished green Mexican necklace in to be polished. I took it from the drawer and cared for it as if I was still trying to care for you. Objects contain energy of those that have touched them, breathed around them, saw them or smelled them. The objects listen to the celebrations, […]
It’s often a disease that takes us, we don’t often “just die.” I am wondering about that a lot. If we all have to suffer from a disease before we die then there must be some kind of importance or meaning or teaching or something to do during that time whether it be 8 years […]
The Kaddish has been my best friend this past year, always with me, sometimes 3 times in a day, and when I miss saying her I am in a true fog, as if I am walking around alone, without meaning or connection. She allows me to feel-to focus-to remember-to open-to offer gratitude within a relationship […]
My hair Every look in the mirror or window often a remembrance that the fabric of my life has changed, torn, never the same The curls flow and frizz and wind around and play The grey is gentle Big hair, lots of it, not controlled Most strands for mom, a few curls for others who […]
I knew she was dying because she gave me all her rings off her hands: her wedding ring, her mother’s wedding ring, a gold ring with jagged edges, the pearl ring set in a precious silver setting, and a gold ring with a beautiful black stone that everyone thinks came from Chinatown. We didn’t […]
I have carried grief in my body and soul since I was at least 13 years old, probably longer. It shows up in my fear, my shyness, my vigilance, my judgment. Meet my grief, how else would a 14 year old girl be able to handle the schizophrenia and suicide of an older sister? Can’t […]
The first death in my family was my older sister, who died of schizophrenia at age 21. I was one week short of 14. There was a funeral but no shiv’ah or other Jewish mourning rituals. I always knew I had missed a sacred journey. I grieved for a lost mourning process. I became obsessed […]
If I told you about my grief I’d tell you It began long before my mother died. It began that first time I really knew she was ill. When I called and she had no memory that I was in another country, on a trip. I began to wail, the wail of many years to […]
I’ve learned that grief is every day, within every breath, as we step, laugh, eat shower, sleep, dream. Grief teaches. Grief is prayer. Without grief I have nothing. I have learned that I like to stay home and only venture out when it’s safe. I’ve learned to breathe deeply with others as they pray, as […]
So many years of dying while she was alive Her final Seven days of dying; from the Shabbat of Vayechi through the Shabbat of Shmot. The Shabbat of the initial break to the Shabbat of the beginning of release. Open the window, let her soul fly. The levaya of healing A dead mother/grandmother/mother-in-law/wife becomes whole […]