I wake early, walk 35 minutes each way to daven. I honor my father’s memory and life. I join with all mourners who are honoring their loved ones by saying Kaddish. Together we stand. Through the rhythm of these mysterious power incantations we praise life and the Creator of all, the source of Heartbreak/the Source of Healing.
There is nothing to explain. We stand as one. Our honor, our memories are the arms that bind us. Each with a story that brought us there and helped us rise when the grief was overwhelming and we could only choke out the words in whispers.
Each recitation different from the next. Each time it carries a different memory, or regret, sweetness or smell. There is no need to explain.
Surprise Minyan. When asked to say names of people who are ill for whom we are praying for their recovery (as we do each time), I heard my neighbor say in a whisper “Judith”. There was no explanation, no touch, no look. There was no need. He knew that my dear partner was facing a catastrophic diagnosis.
I was, again, reminded that the Source of Heartbreak/ the Source of Healing had created me, sustained and supported me, and unfolded my life in such a way that I arrived at the gift of this exact moment and place.
The tears flowed. There was no need to explain.