I Didn’t Want to Go…..Thank You

It was a busy day and I had a lot to do before our trip to New York, leaving at noon. Pack, clean, cook, return calls, figure out the ride to the airport.  The last thing I wanted to do was to go to minyan to say kaddish for my mother. After all, it had almost been 11 months and soon I wouldn’t need to say kaddish regularly anymore, or at least for my mother.  I was getting ready for the 11 months to be over.

I had not only put in my time, but it been a meaningful time, filled with all of the emotions one would expect, this being my first parent that I had taken on the obligation to say kaddish for.  So many different emotions this year;  extreme grief, gratitude for our people and our tradition, boredom, duty, obligation, a desire to be a good daughter, mystical feelings of connection and purpose, loneliness, shyness and plain old sadness.  Maybe these aren’t all emotions, but I had many experiences in this year and a rich tapestry of a meaningful mourning process, not to mention my broken heart over two dear friends who also died this year.  I deserved to take the mourning off.  After all, I had a lot to do.

I started to circle the kitchen until suddenly I found myself walking out the door, driving to shul and parking in the lot, knowing I needed to be there. I was very late, but there were still two more kaddishes to recite.  I was compelled to go, to join the minyan and say kaddish for my mother.  It could have been the power of the davvenen, the welcoming energy of those who attend, the Hebrew letters, the smell of the siddurim, the words of Torah, or the calm smiles that I always encounter. Maybe my mother was urging me to hang in there a little bit longer.  Maybe she needed me. I will never know for sure what compelled me to get in the car, but I am so very grateful for the men and women of the minyan who make it easy for me to have my own process and are always just friendly enough, never expecting me to report on my lateness or absences, never pushing me to participate beyond what I am comfortable doing this year, even though I can.

I know that if I arrive between 8 and 9 any Monday and Thursday, I will have the opportunity to experience grief, gratitude, davvenen in various colors depending on my mood, connection with my mother, and a bit of Torah.   What a gift.

I can’t thank you enough.