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Rabbi Chaya Gusfield

Rabbi Chaya Gusfield, Jewish Renewal, rabbi, spiritual director, chaplain

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May 20, 2022
Filed Under: Cancer Reflections, Chaplain Reflections, Grief Writings, Healing
8 Comments

I Forgot to Breathe

 

I saw a gorgeous man at the café. He might have been 23.  I forgot I was 66 years old.

I also forgot I was a lesbian.

Oh, and that I was married.

I forgot when I run, my back can hurt for days, and sometimes my hips give in.  In my heart, I am skipping and running with the wind, the sky, the song.

I forgot how much my heart was holding, even before I went to work in the hospital every day.  I never forgot my beloved was being treated for a terminal illness.   I forgot to cry about the toll it took on my spirit, until I wasn’t holding the hands and comforting patients anymore.

I forgot I will need my beautiful baby as I age, to feed and dress me.

I forgot how much I crave the quiet and endless time without interruptions.

I forgot how much I miss you when I am alone.

I forgot to breathe. It might lead to crying, and then lead to wailing, which could lead to despair.

I forgot I can handle despair.

I forgot to listen to the trees and the plants.  I forgot their language.

I forgot a longer life means I might start to forget; turning off the stove, the names of people we know, and I can’t remember what else.

I forgot my password to my password file.

I forgot I have grey hair and my skin hangs.  I feel like I am 20. Ok, maybe 35.

I forgot I never really had that boyfriend I always knew I would marry.

I forgot the name of my hamster and turtle I loved as a child.

I forgot how to live without parents.

I forgot to breathe.

 

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Deni says

    May 20, 2022 at 3:03 pm

    Beautiful!

    Reply
  2. joani says

    May 20, 2022 at 3:45 pm

    I totally feel this word for word….thank you

    Reply
  3. Carol Rothman says

    May 20, 2022 at 4:27 pm

    Wow!!!

    Reply
  4. Dan Fendel says

    May 20, 2022 at 4:35 pm

    This is exquisite, Chaya.

    Reply
  5. Ann Brown says

    May 20, 2022 at 5:05 pm

    beautiful, beautiful.

    Reply
  6. Diana Feiger says

    May 20, 2022 at 9:33 pm

    Very moving. And inspiring. Thank you

    Reply
  7. Beth says

    May 21, 2022 at 7:47 am

    Ah, I feel this one. Lovely. Thank you.

    Reply
  8. Christine Reimers says

    May 21, 2022 at 10:07 am

    Beautiful poignant reflection on life and how hard it is to BE— breathe— in each moment with all our memories all around🙏

    Reply

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