I could feel the laminated kaddish card in my pocket all day. During the hike, the lake, the waterfalls, the ocean view, I counted how many were with us. Oh yes, only seven, we need ten. Well maybe there were people on the path who would want to be counted towards the minyan..to be the 8th, 9th, or tenth, to help me recite Kaddish for my mom. There aren’t many days left and I missed services today in order to connect with the earth and celebrate a friend’s birthday.
The card in my pocket felt warmer and warmer all day. During the birthday party the card really wanted to come out. The tears welled up. There was a distance between me and joy, the fun, the celebration. “would this be a good time to ask 9 others to join me in the other room to help my mom’s spirit ascend?” “How can I do this without being a distraction, a downer?” The urgency increased. The separateness increased. Then I went home, wishing I had gone to services that morning. The Kaddish words burning in my pocket.
My mom forgave me, knowing I was doing my best.
You have the spirit of a remembrance card always in your back pocket…i cannot imagine you asking for forgiveness for anything you do in your life…..so chaya forgive yourself and make room for all the future humans you touch with your writings….benice