Shiv’ah #1, January, 2013

So many years of dying while she was alive

Her final Seven days of dying; from the Shabbat of Vayechi through the Shabbat of Shmot.  The Shabbat of the initial break to the Shabbat of the beginning of release.

Open the window, let her soul fly.

The levaya of healing

A dead mother/grandmother/mother-in-law/wife becomes whole again through stories, music, humour, truth-telling, and Yiddish

Lomir ale inaynim, inaynim

Irmichka mkabul ponim zayn

(Let us together honor Irma)

Flow of people, prayer, food, photos, memories, stories

So many years of dying while she was alive, she is now more alive to me than she had been in years.

I sit receiving

Who will come today?  the door is open

Every day a different 10 arrive for a minyan

What will we sing/pray/share?

Will our prayers comfort those who need comforting?

Will they rise up and reach the neshamot that need them?

I am not in my body.  I am with my mother who lives on only in her spirit.  The piles of overflowing food help me remember that I have a body and need to eat.

“Please no sugar or wheat the notice says.”

[We receive babka on steroids from LA, chocolate cake from heaven, banana chocolate chip bread moist and comforting, crunchy cookies-Thank you for ignoring our request.]

Cards from students that make me laugh “I hope this doesn’t ruin your New Year”  “I hope you will get over it soon”,  “I know how you feel, my pet snake died.”

My mother was more alive to me now than she had been in years.

I am with my mother who lives on only in her spirit.  The piles of overflowing food help me remember that I have a body.

I am satiated with people

A sign on the door:  “Please come back in an hour, I need a nap”  I sleep

I open the door and there is food, notes and people waiting.

I am exhausted. I wish it was over. Then, I am glad to see people again and again and again.

How often do I want to look into the mirror.  All I see in the covered mirror is the reminder that I am mourning the death of my mother who said “I love you” and then closed her eyes forever 36 hours later.

…..

Getting up from Shiv’ah….tears at my heart

Putting on my leather shoes

Taking off my torn vest

Sitting on the couch instead of the low stool

I am afraid to leave the safety nest of seven days…So many years of dying while she was alive. My mother was more alive to me now than she had been in years.

I walk around the block, held up by angels, and then I am alone, on my own,

It is quiet.  The quiet is loud.  This is harder than I thought it would be.

……..

I begin a new daily rhythm: morning minyan, 3 kaddishes

The flow of davenen, the comfort, the kiss of the words, the feel of the siddur, enveloped by Shechinah’s blanket…easing me out of Shiv’ah into Shloshim, I am not alone

I slip out before the pleasantries or the food or the small talk

How was today?

I have no skin

How was today?

I want to vomit, my mother is dead

I walk, I can’t feel my feet

Everything is too loud or too cold or too long or too much

I am in quiet slow motion

All I see in the uncovered mirror is the reminder that I am mourning the death of my mother who said “I love you” and then closed her eyes forever 36 hours later.